"Us"

It's not you, it's me. It's not me it's you. No wrong it's us. We have been playing this game for three years back and fourth, round and round. At what point in time does reality show true and we figure out that this, this "us" isn't going to work ever. Don't lecture me and act like I'm the one in the wrong and I won't do the same to you. The problem with this "us" thing is I don't want to be with you, there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with me. But the distance, you really think we could make it work. You tell me to just let life happen...well life has been happening and life has proved that our lives as an "us" just don't work. The whole idea is idiotic, lets face it if you put our love for each other on a scale yours would out weigh mine. I'm a species, species adapt. I adapted to your absences and I can adapt to your presences, but broken relationships can't be fixed through a constant technological connection. Not with me, especially with a relationship like ours, with someone like me. Long distance in this fragile state will do nothing but fail. I've had enough of this failing crap and I'm starting to realize that the more "us" their is in my world the more failure there is. So I'm bowing out of the love game. Unless prince charming rescues me from a tower in a castle, I'm disqualifying myself from it. Between my emotional retardation and the lack of effort I'm willing to exert at this point in time, I think it's only fair to "us". I think it's safe to say the only thing I'll be playing with is guns, just in case someone tries to abduct me and put me in a tower...I want to be prepared.

This is it.

Slowly, but surely time is running out. Wether it be by the week or by the hour it is always ticking and this time I'm ready for it. With a clear head and a friend group that could take the world by storm, never have I ever been as happy as I am today. My wingman/best friend is more then I could ever ask for, he is not only madly in love with me, but he would go to the ends of the earth to make sure I'm okay. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and a love like this is too much to over look. I love him, I just need to understand that I do and embrace it because I deserve to love someone as wonderful as him and I need to stop settling for worse. Instead of looking around for someone to call "my love" he has fallen right infront of me and I keep looking past him. So now, this is it. He is the one and I'm going for it. Because either way I will still be his and he will still be mind, wether partner in crimes, boyfriend and girlfriend or best friends. We will always be us and that is all we will ever need to be, because it is what makes us happy at the end of each day.

Home.

In the past couple years I've learned that home isn't always a place, sometimes home is a person. I've also learned that people change, just like we move from house to house and change the locations we call home you can do the same with people too. It's weird the sense of emptiness that is found once our home is lost. When the search begins to find another you truly realize the good and bad from the last. Nobody's perfect and this is true, but when the bad out weighs the good and the sad out shines the happy. It's time to call it quits and learn how to cope with the emptiness until someone more deserving can come along and occupy it. It's not a bad thing to forget how home felt, because it makes it all the better when we remember.

Accepting what we really deserve.

Every girl dreams of the perfect boyfriend, to be the "IT" couple and "rule" the school. Now my dream couple is a little bit different. I'm a bit more up the indie perfect couple. The couple that is painfully dorky and totally awesome, but only few think it. The insides jokes, little touches and the moments where we begin to realize that this might actually be real. It didn't take much for me to realize that this might be my chance, my opportunity to climb out of my pitiful broken heart and make it in to something so much better. When everything you want it right in front of you and you finally clear your head enough to realize that you deserve it, take it. In the movie perks of being a wallflower the stand out quote was an honest one. "We accept the love we think we deserve." I did that for two years, I'm finally starting to realize that I deserve a whole lot more. This time, I'm taking it.

Free Fall.

God presents us all with challenges. For those who are patient and enduring he rewards and for those who are eager and anxious he forces them to endure. Patients and perseverance  is always rewarded. When the sad times hit, they hit hard. When lonely comes it makes us feel as though we're drowning in nothingness, but the way he rewards is greater then all these struggles. He gave me love, he gave me the signs and presented me with an opportunity of happiness. It's quiet simple and he is quiet perfect. The combination of the best qualities from past loves combine in unison to create someone so alike and real it is hard to accept. My hesitation still remains because sometimes things really are to good to be true. With my breath held and my fingers cross I'm taking a chance on him, on myself. I'm ready to free fall in to something honest.

Not so sure.

Some people find comfort in others, I find comfort in running. I don't think I have ever made a decision without running it in or out of sense literally. Now with a new man on the front learning to let the old go is the hardest part. I set myself up for failure arranging plans around you, then us deciding "never" to speak again. Anyway, seeing you at college was just lovely. It was hard enough trying to avoid you, let alone wanting to see you at the same time. I have to say we've gotten pretty good at avoiding direct eye contact, but maintaining visibility on each other. I know what's best, but sometimes the worst things for you are the hardest to walk away from.

Well Over Due

Sometimes it's hard to organize the cluster of thoughts in my head enough to place them in a logical order. I'm hopeless. Regardless of my attempts to find another I'm destine to be with him or my cat for the rest of my life. I don't think either of those will happen, but in my current mental condition I'm starting to believe it more and more. I don't need any man to make me happy, but I do need one to backwards hug me and understand my humor. These are pretty simple tasks.....THATS WHAT YOU WOULD THINK. However, they really aren't. I have yet to receive a backwards hug this year and needless to say its driving me up a wall. I'm forcing myself to reach out to other people, but I think it's time someone reached out too me.