"Us"

It's not you, it's me. It's not me it's you. No wrong it's us. We have been playing this game for three years back and fourth, round and round. At what point in time does reality show true and we figure out that this, this "us" isn't going to work ever. Don't lecture me and act like I'm the one in the wrong and I won't do the same to you. The problem with this "us" thing is I don't want to be with you, there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with me. But the distance, you really think we could make it work. You tell me to just let life happen...well life has been happening and life has proved that our lives as an "us" just don't work. The whole idea is idiotic, lets face it if you put our love for each other on a scale yours would out weigh mine. I'm a species, species adapt. I adapted to your absences and I can adapt to your presences, but broken relationships can't be fixed through a constant technological connection. Not with me, especially with a relationship like ours, with someone like me. Long distance in this fragile state will do nothing but fail. I've had enough of this failing crap and I'm starting to realize that the more "us" their is in my world the more failure there is. So I'm bowing out of the love game. Unless prince charming rescues me from a tower in a castle, I'm disqualifying myself from it. Between my emotional retardation and the lack of effort I'm willing to exert at this point in time, I think it's only fair to "us". I think it's safe to say the only thing I'll be playing with is guns, just in case someone tries to abduct me and put me in a tower...I want to be prepared.

This is it.

Slowly, but surely time is running out. Wether it be by the week or by the hour it is always ticking and this time I'm ready for it. With a clear head and a friend group that could take the world by storm, never have I ever been as happy as I am today. My wingman/best friend is more then I could ever ask for, he is not only madly in love with me, but he would go to the ends of the earth to make sure I'm okay. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and a love like this is too much to over look. I love him, I just need to understand that I do and embrace it because I deserve to love someone as wonderful as him and I need to stop settling for worse. Instead of looking around for someone to call "my love" he has fallen right infront of me and I keep looking past him. So now, this is it. He is the one and I'm going for it. Because either way I will still be his and he will still be mind, wether partner in crimes, boyfriend and girlfriend or best friends. We will always be us and that is all we will ever need to be, because it is what makes us happy at the end of each day.

Home.

In the past couple years I've learned that home isn't always a place, sometimes home is a person. I've also learned that people change, just like we move from house to house and change the locations we call home you can do the same with people too. It's weird the sense of emptiness that is found once our home is lost. When the search begins to find another you truly realize the good and bad from the last. Nobody's perfect and this is true, but when the bad out weighs the good and the sad out shines the happy. It's time to call it quits and learn how to cope with the emptiness until someone more deserving can come along and occupy it. It's not a bad thing to forget how home felt, because it makes it all the better when we remember.

Accepting what we really deserve.

Every girl dreams of the perfect boyfriend, to be the "IT" couple and "rule" the school. Now my dream couple is a little bit different. I'm a bit more up the indie perfect couple. The couple that is painfully dorky and totally awesome, but only few think it. The insides jokes, little touches and the moments where we begin to realize that this might actually be real. It didn't take much for me to realize that this might be my chance, my opportunity to climb out of my pitiful broken heart and make it in to something so much better. When everything you want it right in front of you and you finally clear your head enough to realize that you deserve it, take it. In the movie perks of being a wallflower the stand out quote was an honest one. "We accept the love we think we deserve." I did that for two years, I'm finally starting to realize that I deserve a whole lot more. This time, I'm taking it.

Free Fall.

God presents us all with challenges. For those who are patient and enduring he rewards and for those who are eager and anxious he forces them to endure. Patients and perseverance  is always rewarded. When the sad times hit, they hit hard. When lonely comes it makes us feel as though we're drowning in nothingness, but the way he rewards is greater then all these struggles. He gave me love, he gave me the signs and presented me with an opportunity of happiness. It's quiet simple and he is quiet perfect. The combination of the best qualities from past loves combine in unison to create someone so alike and real it is hard to accept. My hesitation still remains because sometimes things really are to good to be true. With my breath held and my fingers cross I'm taking a chance on him, on myself. I'm ready to free fall in to something honest.

Not so sure.

Some people find comfort in others, I find comfort in running. I don't think I have ever made a decision without running it in or out of sense literally. Now with a new man on the front learning to let the old go is the hardest part. I set myself up for failure arranging plans around you, then us deciding "never" to speak again. Anyway, seeing you at college was just lovely. It was hard enough trying to avoid you, let alone wanting to see you at the same time. I have to say we've gotten pretty good at avoiding direct eye contact, but maintaining visibility on each other. I know what's best, but sometimes the worst things for you are the hardest to walk away from.

Well Over Due

Sometimes it's hard to organize the cluster of thoughts in my head enough to place them in a logical order. I'm hopeless. Regardless of my attempts to find another I'm destine to be with him or my cat for the rest of my life. I don't think either of those will happen, but in my current mental condition I'm starting to believe it more and more. I don't need any man to make me happy, but I do need one to backwards hug me and understand my humor. These are pretty simple tasks.....THATS WHAT YOU WOULD THINK. However, they really aren't. I have yet to receive a backwards hug this year and needless to say its driving me up a wall. I'm forcing myself to reach out to other people, but I think it's time someone reached out too me. 

Art

There is something so peaceful about art, it has a way of cleaning up a persons mind and bringing in clairty. I believe in the simplicty of creation and will forever support it.

Hope

God brings hope into our lives at strange times in strange ways. Sometimes it isn't even hope for yourself, it's hope for other people. I believe in change, I don't believe a person can change at the hand of someone else. However, I do believe that a person can change at their own hand. People think I'm crazy for thinking this, so when someone supports this belief it gives me hope.

Distance

It seems that the longer you're gone, the more flawed you become. It could possibly be that now you aren't around to distract me from the facts. All the things you've done that are shady and rude are finally pushing their way to the surface. Some of them are just to bold to ignore any more. You keep telling me to "stop being gay" well first and foremost, maybe you should have stopped treating me like shit a long time ago. I've decided to reduce your relationship status to my friend, so welcome to my friend world. Douche. I do have to say thank you, because thanks to you I know all the things to run away from in a relationship.

Thankful

Sometimes the best friends are the ones that pop in and out, but always stay true to you. Loyalty and love, unconditional and honest. I find refuge in the spontaneous showings of a real friend.

A Necessary Reminder.

There is something to be said about shop therapy, sometimes all you need is a new shirt or a pair of jeans. Something that you put on and fell beautiful in, just perfect. It's not because we have low self esteem, no no no it's simply because sometimes we all need a reminder that we are all beautiful. With a confidence booster, right now I'm ready to tackle the things I've been avoiding. Not to mention I'll be doing it all in style.

Verbal Assault

As odd as it sounds, I've found that people tend to want to speak to me. This is a good thing, a quality I love having. However, the down fall to this is it always seems like the people I don't want to speak to are the ones who want to speak to me the most. I just don't know what it is about that is so desirable to the people I'm usually avoiding. It's verbal assault. I don't want them to talk to me, but they do. It isn't literally assault by any means I'm using this term very lightly, but it still applies.

Programing

My internal programing is what most would refer to as not normal. I seek to rebel, love to love and prefer to be surrounded or indulged in dysfunction. Just recently i decided that I'm going to stop settling for the love I think I deserve and set my sights on the love I actually do deserve. I'm not searching for someone, I'm praying for someone who's searching for me. Instead of being the one doing all the work, I want someone to meet me halfway. Sorta like I don't know a real relationship. Needless to say, I'm doing my best to rewire my internal programing and start settling for not better, but best.

The Benefits

Society leads us to believe that alcohol has it's benefits, I'm here to tell you it doesn't. Beyond the false confidence it provides people with for a few short  hours, it's all wiped away the next day when all that confidence is replaced by regret. If you're aren't capable of finding a happy medium then you are destine for failure. Either you spend your evening wiping up vomit for a friend or spend the evening having your vomit wiped up by a friend. Fortunately for some of us, we get to escape the chaos. I have to say I've never been more thankful for a curfew then on nights like those.

Fresh Out Of Love

And so it goes, we are forever changing. Wether it be the people who surround us, the places, the conditions; everything will always be changing. College. Not for me, for him. With a count down started 103 days till he comes back home. I'm not sure what will happen in the coming months, I can't promise anything. The only things I'm certain of is change, and how much of it there will be.